In medias res

One of my favorite literary elements in great literature is something called in medias res. The story begins by dropping you right into the middle of things, an epic battle or a conflict of some sort. You don’t know the past or what led the characters to this place until pieces are revealed later on and the power of the story is plunged forward with such force just due to this little, magical literary technique. I thought it always created this almost immediate bond between reader and protagonist, or at least a desire to learn the how and why, but mostly to know the end of the story.

I feel like someone dropped me straight into my own medias res. I turned the page from the dedication and hit the ground running into this epic battle for Raleigh’s health. Sometimes the running feels like treadmill running, but I know it’s not. We are getting somewhere, healing just takes time. I think I say that to myself in pep-talk-like form almost daily, “healing takes time…healing takes time.” Raleigh’s healing is taking time, a lot of time, and though I feel like many people have been dropped into our story via in medias res, there is so much that has led us to this place, pertinent details that bring us to this epic battle we’re now facing. A battle for Raleigh’s health, for healing of his gut, and for a future where he can thrive in good health. Our story is calling out to people, encouraging people, and God is using it for good, and, for that, I am thankful!

I spent yesterday with a group of women near and dear to my heart. I’ve been blessed to be a part of my MOPS group for going on seven years now. I really can’t believe it’s been as long as it has. I’ve had a lot of moments lately where I’ve felt completely out of control emotionally, and out of control of just everything. That allusion that we have any control of our lives is one that is being brought to my attention often as I’m realizing more and more I have no control over any of this and how desperately I need Jesus just to get through mere minutes of the day.

Control is hard, and I think for women it’s really hard. I’ve been coming to the end of myself again this week, in the last couple of days especially, in realizing how I have no control over any of this and it’s foolish to think I do. Raleigh’s spirits have been high this last week, and that is a beautiful blessing. Not a lot has changed regarding his skin or his bowel movements, so, if you are out there praying for us please pray specifically that he will have daily bowel movements, that his skin will begin to clear, and the constant itch will subside. We need this to happen so we can take an actual step forward in nutrients, adding to his diet food-wise and also supplement wise.

IMG_2461
watching Star Wars as Darth Vader taking a breathing break from being Darth Vader

There have been many tears for me in the last few days. God never ceases to show me His goodness, grace and provision, and I was very blessed by the women in my MOPS group Saturday. There has been another song playing in my head as I work through these difficult emotions and coming to terms with the control and the fear of the unknown. The song Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey has really spoken to me this weekend. Here are the lyrics:

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

This song begins in medias res. You’re shattered. Certainly that is in the middle of everything when you find yourself shattered. We seek the ending of the story, and it is a long way off. But, love sees farther than I ever could, and He’s working all of this for my good, for Raleigh’s good, for Sam and for Evelyn too. He is teaching me to trust, to patiently persevere, to let others in and lean when it’s all too much.

The ending may not be what we expect, and that is a great fear I own every day. I pray against it, and I pray for complete healing, but to hold it all together I pray that God would carry me through it all to the end of this story.

At our MOPS retreat this past Saturday we filled out a form that asked for the best time in our lives. My mind immediately when to my College days, the memories, the friendships, the meeting my husband. But, if I was to be honest with myself, that wasn’t the best time in my life. It’s certainly up there, but, truly, right now is the best time in my life. It’s the hardest time of my life, but it is the best. So I wrote it down.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times….in medias res.

 

 

 

 

 

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